The Goblin King's New Armour.


Once upon a time there was a young goblin called Fidget. He lived with his family in the Goblin City beyond the Labyrinth, where he made a modest living making armour from discarded copper saucepans. Mostly discarded, that is. Though in fact, probably stolen.
Well, he was a goblin.
All goblins like armour, for they can never tell when they are about to be attacked by another goblin, or a chicken, or indeed, a well placed boot, and it serves them well to have some form of protection against such eventualities. It wasn’t long before Fidget had built up a successful business, and the reputation of being the best armour maker in the entire Labyrinth. Considering that he was the only armour-maker in residence, that was not terribly difficult to achieve.
Even Jareth, the king of the goblins, had heard marvellous tales – albeit from his subjects, so their authenticity was questionable – about the wonders of Fidget’s armour. One day, after yet another goblin had bragged about the amazing qualities of his new helmet, the king decided to pay the armoury a visit and perhaps order something special for himself. Not that he thought that the Labyrinth was in danger of being invaded, you understand. Its ancient structure would be enough to deter even the most determined of armies from reaching the castle...
In fact, contrary to most beliefs, the Labyrinth is not a defensive structure at all. It was not built to prevent people from getting in, but rather to prevent the goblin hordes from escaping – but I digress.
...no, his majesty the king simply wanted something impressive to wear to the next midwinter revels.
After surveying the goods on offer, and being quite pleased with the quality, the Goblin King decided to order a bespoke protective item from young Fidget, with the incentive of a royal endorsement, if the piece met his approval once it was made. Measurements were taken, the order was placed, and Fidget, royal armourer in the making, said that it was an honour to make something for his king, and that he would start work on the special piece straight away.
Several weeks passed, with no word from Fidget. The Goblin King bided his time, for he is a most generous and tolerant king, and he understands that sometimes goblins are not the speediest of creatures.
Several more weeks passed.
Eventually, at the start of Winter, with the revels looming on the horizon and still no sign of the bespoke protective item, the king paid the armourer another visit. He was met by Fidget, who seemed intent on living up to his name.

“Your Majesty.” said Fidget. “What an unexpected honour.”

“Indeed.” said the king. “I have come for my armour.”

“Ah.. ahahaa.” said Fidget.

Now, Jareth had been the king of the goblins for a very long time. Long enough to know immediately when one of his subjects was squirming uncomfortably in his presence.

“It’s this way, your majesty.” Fidget eventually said. “I have put it in this cabinet for safekeeping.”

“I see.” Said the Goblin King, peering into the cabinet. “Or rather, I don’t. There is nothing in here, Fidget.”

The fidgeting intensified. “Aaaahahaaaah well it’s very special armour, your majesty.” said Fidget. “One of a kind, it is.”

The Goblin King lowered himself to Fidget’s level and made a great show of listening intently. At this point, Fidget was fidgeting so much that his own armour was rattling rather loudly.

“It’s ... it’s magic armour, your majesty!” Fidget proclaimed, with a flash of inspiration.

“Oh, magic armour.” The Goblin King nodded, as though this explained everything. “And what, precisely, is so magical about it?”

“Well, aaah.. it’s invisible!” Fidget looked pleased with himself.

“I can see that.” said the king, frowning a little at the twisted logic behind his words. “What else?”

“It’s as weightless as a dream! You cannot feel it against your skin, yet it offers the utmost protection. It will make you invinvinvincible, your majesty. You will be the envy of the Winter court!”

That’s the trouble with goblins. When they think that they are on to a good thing, they never know when to stop.

“Indeed.” The Goblin King smiled his most disturbing smile at Fidget the armourer - the one that showed nearly all of his neatly pointed teeth. “I am not a fool, Fidget.” He said quietly. “This armour doesn’t exist.”

Fidget panicked. “...but your majesty! I have spent months developing this especially for you. Why don’t you try it on?”

The Goblin King simply gave him a Look.

“All right.” Said Fidget, deflating a little. “It doesn’t exist. There’s no fooling you, your majesty. Not like certain emperors we might mention...”

“And you would do well to remember that, Fidget.” said the Goblin King.

Young Fidget is still the finest armour maker in the entire Labyrinth.
He is also the smelliest.

The End.